Sorting out some old documents, I
came across a photograph that up till now I had tucked out of my sight.
Year 2008
After my classes at university, I’d
take a local bus back home. That used to save me a couple of hours to work on
my assignments. On my way back home, came a very busy bus stand, where many
routes merged.
For a few days, I’d been
observing a psychotic person, sitting with his back against the steel grill
under a fiberglass shade. I’d daily look at him passing by in a bus. Then I
heard of a photography competition being organized at a national level in the
university.
The subject was in my mind. I took my camera the next day and for
the first time went closer to him… closer than I had thought I’d go. He was a
young boy, bald, dirty, completely lost and probably on drugs. He had built a
defensive wall of garbage around him. The only piece of clothing on him was a
long, dirty shirt. Upon reaching closer, I noticed, his filth smeared his body
and piled around him. Flies and bugs swarmed around. He was in a miserable
condition, lost, blank and empty. My eyes blurred, not with tears, but with the
stinging acidic stench pinching my eyes. He looked up for a moment. I held my
breath and took his picture. He lowered his gaze. I took the print out and gave
it the title “You Blame Me?” It was submitted and displayed at the exhibition.
After a few days, when the
results were being announced in the seminar hall, I was lost in thoughts. The
stench, the filth, his blank gaze, the misery and the blurred vision knitted a
story without words. My name was announced, I got the third prize. Getting up
from my seat I was swept off by an enormous wave of guilt. Regret, sorrow,
hollowness and shame created kaleidoscopic patterns in my mind. I had exhibited
his misery for a mere competition, and was collecting a shield for that. How
low could I stoop?
I took the shield thinking that
I’d go back and try to help him. How? I didn’t know. On my way back that very
day, I got out of the bus, determined to talk to him, or if he didn’t get me,
I’d talk to the shopkeepers and vendors around to figure something out. If both
of these failed, I’d at least get him a decent lunch, even if it was for one
time only.
My eyes followed the direction
where I’d find that deranged soul. And then my heart sank. The spot was empty
and clean. There was no sign of him or the garbage fort he had built for
himself. He was either gone or thrown out of the bus stand.
After all these years, I still feel guilty of photographing
and exhibiting misery. If I cannot do something to help, I have no right of
exhibiting it. On the other hand, if I empathize with these people, I find it
hard to come back to my life.
I don't photograph human figures now, only very rarely, I find the stories behind very bitter. And I particularly
avoid sharing misery.
4 Comments
I have seen that photograph don't know where and clearly remember it. It was strong I must admit. The regret you confront after this exhibition is because of the this strong bond you had established with the subject. Now only you can recall better what your intentions were while going all the way photographing him but it was not for money or fame or any other personal benefit whatsoever. you think you strayed away from your moral line inadvertently ,maybe someone else would not think that way. I appreciate your decision about human photos. clearly consent of the subject matters only in these. But with consent and without exploitation anything can be just nature, any emotion or life in simple. You make us happy with your talents. Keep executing them and fly higher. Love
ReplyDeleteYou have always been generous in appreciating my work and a very strong support, I can never thank you enough. I'm amazed you remember that photograph!
ReplyDeleteI remembr both of the photographs u submitted. Both were amazing, bt tht photo u ve discussed here still haunts me. When I first saw the pic, I immidiately said in ma heart " Ya Allah, isay apni zat ka shaur day kr is pe reham kre". N truly sayin I realy thought if u should take such pics, on the same time, i was also appreciating ur courage for photographing him under such stinch. I also remembr tht aftr collecting the prize u were not as much excited as usually u used to be, i couldn't read ur mind at tht time, bt nw reading this I have a feeling of content fr u. I knw the outr brave girl of me have enclosed a soft n kind heart. Applause fr u my dear! :)
ReplyDeleteI am so blessed to have amazing people in my life! I didn't expect that anyone will remember those photographs. Thank you so much for always being there for me! :) btw, do u remember the paper cutter blade slash through one of the prints right before submission? ;) That's when both of us learned never to stack sheets randomly and apply pressure on blade :D
ReplyDelete